In an episode of "And Just Like That," Miranda showed exactly what true friends don't do.
Carrie was recovering from hip surgery - a genetic thing, NOT because she was old. Miranda was taking turns with Charlotte at Carrie’s apartment to help Carrie with whatever she needed.
Carrie woke up from a nap needing to pee, but Miranda was too busy getting high and having sex with Carrie's boss, Che. Carrie ended up peeing in a bottle and then spilling the bottle of urine all over her sickbed.
Miranda was a stunningly terrible friend, and while she apologized, there wasn't any excuse that justified her behavior - she wasn't there when her friend needed her.
It's easy to get wrapped up in our feelings and dramas. Sometimes, we act like jerks without knowing or understanding why.
No one is a perfect friend, but that doesn't mean you can suck at being a good friend and expect your relationships to continue.
It’s not too late to change if you're a bad friend. With a little self-awareness and practice, you can be the kind of friend you want to have in your life, and your relationships will improve.
Here are some things shitty friends do:
You flake on your commitments
When you agree to do something your friend asks you to do, you intend to follow through. However, something always comes up at the last minute. It’s not uncommon for you to leave your friend scrambling to find someone else to take your place.
Also, if something isn't fun, or you get a better offer, you're out of there.
Every thoughtless action you take solidifies your status as a bad friend. Don't say 'yes' when you mean 'no.' Saying what you think people want to hear is dishonest and hurtful.
You're super judgy about others
No one is safe from your judgment except yourself. You ignore your own faults and zero in on the flaws and imperfections of your friends.
You can't resist telling them what you think they need to hear to improve. If your words come off as mean, well, that’s not your problem.
It's a hard world out there, and you want to help, even if your blunt criticisms create a wedge between you and your friend. If someone wants you to be brutally honest, they'll ask you directly.
You have a save-yourself-mentality
No one in your life thinks of you as a ride-or-die friend. They can't depend on you to put their needs ahead of yours. To save yourself, you'll throw anyone under the bus, even your closest friends.
You take everything personally
You have no concept why you weren't invited to that party or get-together. It doesn't matter if there's a good reason or not; your feelings are hurt, and you're not about to hold your emotions in. You've got to express your rage to the world.
Other people have lives and friends they like better than you. Even if you were the most popular person on the planet, you wouldn't be invited to everything. Not everything is about you, so grow up.
You won't tolerate a difference of opinion
You must always be right, or there will be a big problem. If someone disagrees with you, you'll spend as long as it takes to get them on your side. Nothing will convince you that you could be wrong - not logic, evidence, or a good argument.
Your friends must bow down to your superiority in every matter or work to avoid upsetting you. It's impossible to like someone or enjoy their company when walking on eggshells.
When you're proven wrong, you still won't admit it but will act as if that was what you were trying to say the entire time.
You're not encouraging
People change—that's part of life. You get scared that your friend will grow away from you and out of your life. Out of this fear, you do what you can to wreck their dreams and kill their hopes, not knowing it will blow up in your face.
If you cared about your friend, you'd do what you could to help them pursue their goals, support their dreams, and do whatever you could to assist them.
You don't pay attention
When you scroll on your phone, daydream, or do everything but focus on your friend, you show how uninterested you are in anybody else's life but your own.
The truth is not being present when your friend is confiding in you is rude and reminiscent of narcissistic behavior.
Friendships, like romantic relationships, require both parties to pay attention to what each other is saying and thoughtfully consider the meaning behind their words.
You're too competitive
You like beating your friends at every game, sport, and contest, but you don't stop there. You like to throw those wins in their face as evidence that you're superior to them.
No one is saying you need to let other people win all the time, but could you be gracious about winning? Sore losers are bad enough, but a gloating winner is just as hateful.
You don't support your friends
We look to our friends to help us make the necessary leaps of faith to succeed. We feel like we're on shaky ground when we don't have anyone supporting us. Friends give us the stable foundation we need.
Research has shown that not only does a friend's lack of support feel emotionally devastating, but it can also be psychologically and physiologically draining. When you cannot support a friend, you demonstrate a lack of trustworthiness, stability, and caring.
You don't value friendship
Friendship isn’t only for when you're without a romantic partner. You may be spending a lot of time with a friend, but the minute you start a romantic relationship with a new partner, you prioritize them.
If you don't treat your friends with kindness, respect, and compassion, they won't be there the next time you have a horrible breakup or are alone and bored. You get what you give in relationships.
You never forget a slight
Your mental scoreboard is impressive—it's clear that you've logged every perceived wrongdoing anyone has ever done. You never forgive and forget and have a special gift for nursing a grudge.
When you grip tightly to past injustices, you internalize the negativity, causing it to grow stronger over time as it eats away at you. Forgiveness is crucial to lasting friendships; if you've lost the ability to forgive, you'll never be a good friend.
You don't respond
You wonder why your friends have stopped contacting you. Could it be because you don't return calls, texts, or messages? When you're confronted about it, you make excuses, or you lie. You're a low-grade ghoster only because you can't be bothered to pick up the phone.
Communication is an important part of friendship, and failing to respond will only frustrate and anger the person on the other end.
You're a flaming ball of jealousy
When a friend wins, you pretend to be happy for them. Behind your fake congratulations, you burn with envy. You can't celebrate their victory because you feel there's only a limited amount of success out there, and they've taken what should have been yours.
Your bitterness is unattractive, and your resentment is alienating. If you can't be happy with your friends' achievements, why should they be glad for you?
You're consumed with yourself
Your favorite subject is you, and you can talk about yourself for hours. No one on earth is as interesting as you, and you're convinced you keep everyone enthralled with your personal stories.
You're extremely self-centered and blind to the concept that great conversations involve give and take or that listening is as important as speaking.
People aren't in your life so that they may bask in your reflected glory. They're not your perpetual audience, nor do they live to focus all their energy on you.
Let me tell you a little secret—everyone is unique and special—not just you. You're missing out when your only focus is on yourself.
You can't have healthy and joyous friendships if you're unwilling to be a better friend. You'll never be a flawless friend, as there'll always be room for improvement.
Remember, your friends are also learning and will sometimes fail. If you can look at them with empathy and tolerance, your friendship will grow stronger.
This week, I had a piece published on Next Avenue
My Mother's Caregivers Were More Like Family Than Employees
And two Medium pieces that weren’t boosted
'Guilty As Charged' in the Elevator
Zero in on what makes you special
On Friday, we went to San Diego (via Redondo Beach to pick up Susan) for a Beatles-themed tea at Britannia Tea Rooms. I can’t praise this place highly enough. When we got there, our table was already set up with a pot of Strawberry Fields Tea. There was Beatles’ music playing softly (too softly for me), Beatles’ decorations, trivia, and a pop quiz. The service was on point—everyone was so kind.
I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and I’m tempted to go back for one of their tea tastings or other themed teas.
Have a great week!